A Soliloquy on Relations

I am incredibly perplexed; recent circumstances have enveloped my understanding to the point where I believe restitution will not be made. How is man to live, if he is to live with his perplexities? St. Augustine is right, no philosophy can sufficiently be made for the ordering of life, and therefore I am left to no other effective choice than to lean in on my Christ–that One through which gives true understanding; these perplexities are not of some lesser sort, but rather break a man’s character to the point in which he is despairing of his own character–what is this? Vanity, I assume, but even then am I not justified to resolutely cast judgment onto another? Is that it then: a temptation towards my own resolution in character? I cannot help but to think you (that poisoning hand of dainty deceitfulness) are the one that fashions me a certain way while behaving that way yourself: I am sickened at the behavior. Is my own wrath entirely unjustified? No, but surely it cannot produce what is most desirable. Surely it is so that my Lord withholds his wrath, although His wrath towards me is in deepest and most affectionate love–why then should mine be any different? The pining of contempt–that is what you bring forward from myself.

Here I write, and yet I am lacking. I pity myself sometimes, but mostly, I pity the manner in which you position yourself. Am I, just I, the one who should be cast aside? My Lord has not forsaken me, and yet, others do? Is this because they cannot fathom the weight of the eternal self?–the eternal self being me. But wait, perhaps this is just a matter of…understanding. Yes, there it is: understanding. They lack understanding, along with me, and yet I may say I am aware of the love of Christ and be the better for it! What other reason is there for them to so poignantly cast me off and forsake me? Because of illness? Because of fear? This is not the faith that looks through death, but is rather a sham, a farce, and an inadequate and insufficient faith that is prone to the most grand illusions of harm.

My statement becomes: do not pity me, but instead pity yourselves! You mockers, look at yourself and blush with shame! Be ashamed and confounded with your state of being! My contempt for you is my anger, but my anger is but a moment. Do not be ignorant of your own devices, and your own shortcomings, and your own deceptiveness! Fix your eyes upon God, and allow him to bring about the restitution that you are undoubtedly worthy of.


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